Your mouth is God's brothel.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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