you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
