I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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