YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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