Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My legs feel like baby dolphins
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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