She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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