Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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