Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
