and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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