How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize