Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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