Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
