My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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