i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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