Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
