We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
