so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
