Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
