Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
