Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
