allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
