we made out on top of his cat.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
there is glitter all over my balls
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
