I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
we're so committed to being not committed
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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