tonight lets celebrate not being married
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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