WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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