Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
