It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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