So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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