I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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