YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
