How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
