a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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