can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize