my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
