I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I did not marry a roomba.
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