The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
