Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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