I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She's the barista slut.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
