Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
