I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
