why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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