OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
