It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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