im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
