considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
