He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
