you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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