Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize