I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
