well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
