I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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