ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
