Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i out mim tonsoeep
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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