By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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