i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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