dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
