He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
