I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
