the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
